The Sakura Versus Ino Story
by Ferro Facade
Summary: God, I've just realized how stupid I was when I was writing this... This dates a few years back so pardon me if it sounds... rash and childish.
1. Chapter 1

**From the brother of the Filipino author who brought you "_The Wedding Night", "The Wedding Night 2", "Iron Maiden and Dowser Knight", "Reminiscent Memories" and "One Day in the Life of Hikaru and Nova Shidou"…_**

**...Come a story of epic stupidity and random insanity, such that readers will be driven to wonder just exactly what the hell kind of story was this, why are they wasting their Internet hours on this, should they review this absolute piece of crap, and is the person who wrote this story some kind of repressed fan boy…**

**…Prepare yourselves for cut scenes, fan service, suggestive ideas pertaining to hot tea and all, shameless insertions and dragging unsuspecting writers into the fray…**

**…Prepare yourselves for…**

**…The Sakura Versus Ino Story: What In The Nine Hells Kind of Freakin' Dream Is This???**

_"Before reading this fan fiction, be sure that you great faith to FanFiction.net. If you don't have, don't read this. Thank you."_

_-Earl Osborne_

_"I didn't write this work. I merely edited it. Really. And if you don't believe me, I'll kill you. All of you. Really."_

_-Sheo Darren_

**The Sakura Versus Ino Story: What In The Nine Hells Kind of Freakin' Dream Is This???**

Original Concept and Script Draft: Earl Osborne

Extensive Editing and Intense Psychological Counseling: Sheo Darren

Disclaimer: Earl Osborne does not own _Naruto_ and whatever else he plagiarizes here. He's just a Haruno Sakura fan boy gone wrong, horribly wrong…

**Dream/Chapter One**

**"Everyone!**** Let's Get Ready!"**

(The scene has Earl Osborne soundly asleep on the sofa. A Red Alert 2 Conscript walks over to him and wakes him up.)

Conscript: "Hey, boss. Are you awake?"

Earl: wakes up "Huh? Oh, so sorry lieutenant. I was just in a trance"

Conscript: puzzled "Ah…ok. Sir, beer?"

Earl: "Sure. Make it San Miguel." to himself "Damn, that dream can make me freak out."

Conscript: "Sir? What are you talking about?"

Earl: "Nah. Don't mind what I said. Just get my beer A.S.A.P."

(Once the bodyguard was asleep, Earl hears a joyfully **LOUD** call from outside. Outside was a pink-haired ninja girl approaching a dark-haired ninja boy who was sitting on a log contemplating revenge on the people who killed his family.)

Pink-Haired Ninja Girl: happily "Sasuke-_kun_!"

(It's _Naruto's_Haruno Sakura!)

Sasuke: "Hmm?"

(_Torpe__ ng gagong ito, ano_?)

(Suddenly! [shock and awe] Another girl, a blonde girl with ponytail and long bangs, appears and calls Sasuke.)

Blonde Ninja Girl With Ponytail And bangs: "Sasuke-_kun_! How's your day?"

(Scene cuts back to Earl who is shrugging to his faithful Conscript bodyguard Molotov.)

Earl: "Here we go again… Round 52, everyone?"

Molotov: "Boss Earl, are your wards up to crasy (yes, 'crasy', not 'crazy') stuff again?"

(Scene returns to Sakura and the newcomer girl, Ino.)

Sakura: "Hey, Ino, are you challenging me to a fight?"

Ino: confidently "Like you're worth a fight to me, wussy girl?" (yes, yes, Ino doesn't talk like that but let it be) "I'll give you what you want, loser."

Sakura: threateningly "Don't call me 'Wussy Girl'."

Ino: "Wussy Girl, Wussy Girl, Wussy Girl! Oh, look at the Wussy Girl!" makes faces at Sakura

(Scene cuts to Earl and Molotov again)

Molotov: "They're pretty out of character here, you know, boss."

Earl: "Shush. The story's getting to the good part."

(Back to Sakura and Ino)

Sakura: "Argh! You're making me angry! You don't want me angry!"

Molotov: "And are we ripping off movies now, too?"

Earl: "You seem to forget who pays you your salary."

Molotov: very sarcastically "Yay. Boss Earl is so great and brilliant and powerful. You're the best, Boss Earl…"

Earl: "Hey… where's the (Scene cuts back to Earl and Molotov) comment?"

Molotov: "It takes too much time and money to make. We're on a tight budget, remember?"

Earl: "Oh."

Sakura: shrilling angrily "YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR WHAT YOU SAID! **FLYING NINJA KICK!**"

Molotov: "Isn't that supposed to be Person With Many Aliases' attack?"

Earl: "Well, it was a flying kick, and a ninja did it, so it logically follows that it _is_ a Flying Ninja Kick."

Molotov: "Won't Person WMA get angry if you rip it off him?"

Earl: "I'm sure Sheo Darren won't squeal on me."

(The scene cuts to Sheo Darren)

Sheo: "Leave me alone. I'm not supposed to be here. Go bother Yuuki instead."

(The scene cuts to Yuuki Darren.)

Yuuki: "If Lone Wolf SIX ever sees you messing up _Naruto_like this, Earl, you will regret having ever existed on this world at all…"

(And the scene returns to the fight between Sakura and Ino. There is, interestingly, a guy standing on top of a telephone pole watching the fight.)

Naruto: "Hmmm…this is getting interesting…"

(Said telephone pole collapses, falling on Naruto.)

Naruto: "ARGH! HEEEELLLPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEE! I'M DYIIIIIINNNNGGGGG!"

Molotov: "Boss, we gotta do something."

Earl: seriously "You're right." crazily "Let's sell tickets! Call the manager!"

Sakura: does the Flying Ninja Kick (trademark of Person WMA) "HAII-YAH!" 

(Flying Ninja Kick hits Ino hard.)

Ino: clutches herself in pain "Ugh. That kick… it's so powerful…"

Sakura: grinning proudly "I improvised the heels of my shoes to be hard, thus multiplying the hitting power of my Flying Ninja Kick."

Ino: pained "You're…going to…pay for…this…"

Sakura: gets into her pose "Hmph. Bring it on."

Earl: "Hey, Molotov. I noticed something. Why didn't they use their Chakra?" 

Molotov: "I dunno, Boss. You should ask yourself that question. It's your fan fiction, after all."

Earl: "Very funny, Molotov. And what's with the scientific basis of making your shoe heels harder to improve the damage of your kick?"

Molotov: "Will you get angry at me if I said, 'Ask yourself that question, Boss'?"

Earl: "Never mind. Let's just get them to an arena for later."

Molotov: "Arena? As in, 'One On One'?"

Earl: "Shh. No one but Sheo is supposed to know about that."

(Scene cuts to an annoyed Sheo.)

Sheo: annoyed "Just you dare…"

(And back to the fight!)

Ino: "You're going to pay for this, wussy girl!"

Sakura: "Yeah right, 'coz you're a dumb blonde."

Ino: "You'll never win against me."

Molotov: "Boss, the manager said we need to pay a million bucks to stage a match."

Earl: "Yeah, yeah. Here you go. Give it to the stupid moron Sapphire. He'll like this match."

(But out from the darkness comes …a _Ragnarok__ Online_ Cobold.)

Cobold: "Arf!"

(Sakura and Ino looked at the Cobold. The Cobold barked at Ino because it senses a great evil on her.)

(Scene cuts to Earl Osborne waking up on the sofa and Sheo Darren just arriving)

Earl: "Huh? What in the Nine Hells kind of freakin' dream was that?"

Sheo: "Hey, Earl. You aren't really going to write down that weird dream of yours and post it on_ fanfiction.net_, are you?"

Earl: "Too late. Working on a sequel now…"

Sheo: "You mean this entire stupid thing isn't a one-shot?"

Earl: "Course not. Thanks for editing."

Sheo: "You do know that people might find it hard to believe that I only helped out here, right? That they might think that _I_ and not you wrote this entire thing by myself, do you? That they might think this is actually my work?"

Earl: "No."

Sheo: "In ignorance is bliss, indeed. Never mind…"

Earl: "Well anyway, the next chapter will come! It's a 'One On One' chappie, too!"

Sheo: "I told you not to mention 'One On One'."

Earl: "Eh? Did you?"

Sheo: "Lavi?"

Lavi: "Yeah, Sheo?"

Sheo: "Make it hurt. Please."

Lavi: "With pleasure."

(Sounds of great violence and screams of pain)

Earl: "Wait for the next chapter: One On One Match Up: A Strip Match? Until then, peeeeeeeepppppppppppzzzzzzzzzzzz!"

(Loud crash. Looks like he fell from a cliff. Hmm…wha-EYARGH!! Have mercy Earl! Have merc- slash!)

**To Be Continued…**

Comments? Suggestions? Flames? There's that little menu on the lower left of this page. Click that. Bring on your flames. I fear not flames. Earl Osborne is invincible!


	2. Chapter 2: 'One On One' MatchUp: a Strip...

Previously on **The Sakura Versus Ino Story**…

Earl: "…It's a 'One On One' chappie, too!"

Sheo: "I told you not to mention 'One On One'."

Earl: "Eh? Did you?"

Sheo: "Lavi?"

Lavi: "Yeah, Sheo?"

Sheo: "Make it hurt. Please."

Lavi: "With pleasure."

(Sounds of great violence and screams of pain)

Earl: "Wait for the next chapter: One On One Match Up: A Strip Match? Until then, peeeeeeeepppppppppppzzzzzzzzzzzz!"

(Loud crash. Looks like he fell from a cliff. Hmm…wha-EYARGH!! Have mercy Earl! Have merc- slash!)

**Unfortunately… Earl Osborne survived.**

**And now, this is the next chapter of his insane creation from the evil empire…**

**The Sakura Versus Ino Story: What In The Nine Hells Kind of Freakin' Dream Is This???**

Original Creator and Draft Writer: Earl Osborne

Editor and The Only Voice of Reason Here: Sheo Darren

Disclaimer: I don't own Haruno Sakura… but I wanna own HER!

**Dream/Chapter Two**

**'One On One' Match-Up: A Strip Match?**

(Earl Osborne is sitting on a couch and talking to himself while Sheo Darren is quietly typing to himself in the corner)

Earl: to himself I must not fall asleep. I must not fall asleep. I must not fall asleep.

Sheo: And now we will see the result of a Will save failure…

Earl: Will save fail

(Earl falls asleep)

Earl: before falling asleep Damn. falls asleep

(In his dream world, Earl is inside a huge office room and seated before a desk, dressed up in an expensive business suit a la Vince McMahon. He is stirring himself a drink. Molotov the Conscript is still dressed up as his old Conscript self and is holding a bottle full of some odd-looking mineral water.)

Earl: still stirring his drink Ah. There's nothing like 'Cold Heartless Bastard Tea' to get me into the cold heartless bastard mood I need right now. drinks it all down

Molotov: 'Loyal Uncharismatic Flunky Mineral Water', meet your new Fuyutsuki wanna-be user. drinks it all down

(a startling [shock and awe!] transformation takes place! Earl now assumes the aura and persona of Gendo Ikari! Molotov assumes Fuyutsuki mode!)

Earl: talking in a cold heartless bastard manner Well, Molotov. Report.

Molotov: talking in a loyal uncharismatic flunk manner Sir, everything is proceeding as planned.

Earl: Details, Molotov, details. Or is it that you are slowing down with age?

Molotov: I was getting to that, sir. First of all, I have very neutral tone 'taken into custody' very neutral tone ends the two beings that you have taken interest upon. They are being prepared for their performance tonight.

Earl: And the setting?

Molotov: Sapphire has arranged the arena and scheduled everything to your satisfaction. We are now ready to undertake your planned enterprise.

(The opening song of 'Enterprise' begins to play over the two)

Singer: It's been a long road…

Earl: pleased Ah. I have never really understood why so many people dislike the opening song of 'Enterprise'. It's a very good song, even breaking tradition for the _Star Trek_ series.

Molotov: Perhaps they are _nekulturniy _(uncultured), sir.

Earl: Egg-cellent, most egg-cellent. You have performed well, my loyal uncharismatic flunky. You will be duly rewarded for your successes.

Molotov: All right. I can buy that RPK I've always wanted now.

(The scene cuts to a huge coliseum that functions as a wrestling arena. The entire place is packed with fan boys who are rowdily cheering.)

Fan Boys: usual cheer of fan boys eagerly awaiting something they love

(The camera pans over to the commentators' table. The commentators happen to be Lavi and Eah Osborn [the last no relation to Earl Osborne], Sheo Darren's created characters from his Shaman King story _Iron Maiden and Dowser Knight_ and original story _Saga of the Swordsman _and _Saga of the Wanderer._)

Eah: surprised and looking around Eh? What are we doing here, Nav?

Lavi: very sarcastically I have _no_ idea, Eah. Whatever it is, I don't suppose we'll be made to commentate for some stupid strip wrestling match in another writer's fan fiction.

Earl: We are?

Lavi: Obviously.

Eah: But you said…

Lavi: takes out her trusty monkey wrench Yes?

Eah: I'll be a good boy and shut up…

Lavi: Good.

(The ring girl/announcer/wrestler walks into the ring. She happens to be _Advance Variable Geo_'s well-endowed Hanna Miller's waitress/fighter Takeuchi Yuka.)

Yuka: cheerfully Okay, people, are you enjoying yourselves tonight?

Fan Boys: cheer and eye Yuka's chest We _are_ now…

Lavi: levelly Someone is about to learn if there is an afterlife…

Earl: annoyed at fan boys ogling Yuka Stupid fan boys. Die.

(Earl takes out a huge sword and begins to lay waste to the fan boys within reach.)

Earl: levelly, even as he chops fan boys into two) Help me out here, Molotov.

Molotov: very calmly _Da,_ _Tovarisch Keptin._

(Molotov takes out his brand new RPK-47 machine gun and opens fire)

Yuka: sweat-drops at Earl and Molotov's rampage Anyway, tonight we're going to hold a strip wrestling match for one fall… err, I mean, until one girl gets all of her clothes stripped off.

(Surviving fan boys cheer)

Yuka: Since this story is PG-13, though, we have limited the stripping to just their outer costumes, meaning we're not going to strip them totally naked, just down to their undies.

(Scene cuts to Sheo Darren, who looks very annoyed.)

Sheo: There is something disrespectful in the way the word is pronounced. That is why I have always preferred the word 'lingerie' against it. And what am I doing here? I'm just editing, I never asked for inserts…

Yuka: Well, anyway, here are our fighters for the night. (does WBD the boxing commentator style voice) In the left corner, wearing a dark ninja suit and with blonde hair tied up in a ponytail and long bangs neatly covering part of her face, is Ino.

Ino: At least you could have troubled to find out what my last name was.

Yuka: …And in the right corner, the writer's favorite by choice, wearing a pink long blouse (or whatever it's called)/ninja suit thingy, with short pink hair cut by a _kunai_ in desperation during a previous battle and which new hairstyle in particular is approved by the editor…

Sheo: grimly Stop that.

Yuka: … Sakura!

Sakura: Yay. I think…

Eah: So, Nav? What do you think? Who's going to win?

Lavi: I'm a navigator and copilot, not a ninja analyst.

Eah: Just go with the script, Nav.

Lavi: Whatever. Anyway, I'm sure that Sakura will win this fight.

Eah: Eh? How? The last time she and Ino fought, it was at the entrance exam and it ended as a draw.

Lavi: Yeah, but there wasn't any biased author to mess things up now, was there? 

(She gestures to Earl, who had just finished slaughtering fan boys and is guzzling a Mirinda.)

Eah: Oh. Right, Nav…

Lavi: He's ticked off because he can't get any reviews. If any person is reading this fan fiction aside from Sheo Darren, please, review this story. Earl gets violent and scary when he doesn't get any reviews. He's even worse than Sheo in that respect.

Eah: Okay… Anyway, let's get this match on!

Yuka Takeuchi: Ok guys? This must be a good, clean fight? The usual rules! Now, Heaven or Hell: Duel 52! Let's Rock!

Eah: Wow, Guilty Gear intro.

Lavi: Earl likes that.

Sakura: You are going to kiss the mat!

Ino: I'm gonna wipe you all over the ring!

Eah: The usual trash talking between wrestlers…

Lavi: They are _so_ out of character here…

Sakura: Now you'll get it! Power Wave!

Ino: Oh, yeah? Reppuken!

Eah: Eh?

Lavi: Here comes insanity worse than _The Wedding Night 2_…

Sakura: Gun Flame!

Ino: Stun Edge!

Sakura: Hadoken!

Ino: Sonic Boom!

Sakura: Laser Sword!

Ino: Buster Rifle!

Eah: Gundams and Voltes?

Lavi: … Beam us up, Scottie. There's no intelligent life on this planet, not counting me, of course…

Sakura: Get out of here! Power Geyser!

Ino: Do you really think that can stop me? Psycho Crusher!

Eah: Awesome display of firepower!

Lavi: … Of course Eah doesn't count as 'intelligent life'. He's Eah, remember?

Yuka: really embarrassed Um, isn't this supposed to be a strip match?

Eah: It is? I thought it was _Super Robot Wars Impact Two?_

Lavi: Well, their attacks _are_ burning off their opponent's clothes even as we speak…

Eah: Hey, why are Ino's clothes the only ones that are getting burned off?

(Lavi turns Eah to face Earl, who is laughing his head off)

Eah: Oh.

Lavi: As I said, there is no way Ino will win this match. The author is biased. Now, if the editor was the one with the original concept…

Sheo: Nice try, Lavi, but no dice. I am only going to edit this.

Lavi: Right… innocently One On One?

Sheo: forehead knots I'll get you one day, I swear…

(Back to the ring, Ino's clothes are burnt off except for one remaining sleeve.)

Ino: I-Impossible…

Sakura: Now, Ino, prepare to lose! Sasuke will be mine, all mine!

(Sakura prepares to do her final attack.)

(Earl Osborne wakes up.)

Earl: No! Not again!

Sheo: Idiot.

Earl: I was so close to seeing Ino defeated and Sakura happy! So close, yet so far! Why? Why? Why is Fate so cruel to me?

Sheo: Ask Shumi. She might be able to answer.

Earl: Oh. Right.

Sheo: By the way… a bunch of people are here to see you.

Earl: Eh? Who are they?

(A swarm of people, all heavily armed, appear)

Mysterious People: Earl Osborne! You will die severely for what you have done!

Earl: Eh? Who are they, Sheo?

Sheo: Apparently, they are all Ino fans. smirks You are so dead, brother.

Earl: No!

(While Earl is being massacred…)

Sheo: Let's see… No reviews as of yet… Please, to whoever reads this, do review. My brother is crying to get some. Really. He's being more of an asshole these past days. Just make him happy and shut him up. Thank you.

**Up next: Chapter 3: Aftermath?**

Note from the author (In his serious self):

_Please, review this story or flame me. I'm curious what my best friend will do to this site._


	3. Chapter 3: The Aftermath

**Previously on The Sakura Versus Ino Story…**

Earl: …I was so close to seeing Ino defeated and Sakura happy! So close, yet so far! Why? Why? Why is Fate so cruel to me?

Sheo: Ask Shumi. She might be able to answer.

Earl: Oh. Right.

Sheo: By the way… a bunch of people are here to see you.

Earl: Eh? Who are they?

(A swarm of people, all heavily armed, appear)

Mysterious People: Earl Osborne! You will die severely for what you have done!

Earl: Eh? Who are they, Sheo?

Sheo: Apparently, they are all Ino fans. smirks You are so dead, brother.

Earl: No!

(While Earl is being massacred…)

Sheo: Let's see… No reviews as of yet… Please, to whoever reads this, do review. My brother is crying to get some. Really. He's being more of an asshole these past days. Just make him happy and shut him up. Thank you.

**_You_ sent him reviews…**

**…Even if one was a flame and all the rest basically went like, "What the hell was that all about?"…**

**…They were still reviews…**

**…Thus, he survived…**

**…And now?**

**You are going to get the newest chapter of…**

**The Sakura Versus Ino Story: What In The Nine Hells Kind of Freakin' Dream Is This???**

**The Guy Who Started This Originally**: Earl Osborne

**The Guy Who Picks Up The Pieces And Does The Coherent Edited Version**: Sheo Darren

**Disclaimer**: Earl Osborne does not, repeat, does not own _Naruto_. He tried to rent it once, but the deal fell through. So now, he's relegated his poor stupid _arse_ into writing fan fiction and wasting server bandwidth. Pathetic…

**Notes:** This chapter is nearly a biased. This chapter will always mention 

**Dream/Chapter Three:**

**Aftermath?**

(Earl Osborne is very awake and jumpy from drinking an entire pitcher of strong black Colombian coffee)

Earl: Ah, no way in hell today am I falling asleep…

(Sheo Darren appears out of thin air)

Sheo: Hey, Earl.

Earl: jumps into air Gaah! Sheo! Don't do that!

Sheo: Do what?

Earl: That!

Sheo: Oh, the teleport? Rather convenient, I should say.

Earl: It's also creepy.

Sheo: Uh-huh. Anyway, Earl, I'm here to discuss your story. Now, listen carefully.

Earl: Okay…

Sheo: First off, this story has to have a reason for happening. Second, it has to have a real plot. Third, it should be funny, as in riotously funny but not confusingly funny.

Earl: Misato-like Okay…

Sheo: Finally: takes out a two-by-four stick and smacks Earl hard on the head with it Time to get this story on the road.

Earl: before fainting Ugh. faints

                                                                                *         *         *

(The voice of Sheo Darren is narrating the entire background of the story)

Sheo: Basically, this story is based upon a dream my brother had. Earl dreamt that Sakura and Ino were fighting over Sasuke in a –Heaven preserve us from knowing just how or why it ended up that way– strip match. The events of that dream are detailed in the first chapter. The second and following chapters of this story are thus Earl's own invention, a continuation of his dream, as he says so himself.

          In this fan fiction, he's pitting Sakura and Ino together again in whatever kind of fight he can think of. Winner '_supposedly' _gets Sasuke as a prize; emphasis on '_supposedly'._ Being biased, Earl has Sakura winning every round (Ino fans, please bear with me and keep away your weapons, it wasn't my fault, I'm just the editor). However, all the previous fights had always been disrupted before the fight ended, so technically Sakura hasn't won. Yet.

Lavi: You'd like Ino to win, don't you?

Sheo: I'm biased and I like Ino and Sakura, but I'm not a freak like Earl.

Lavi: You don't think a Sakura-Ino pairing is cute?

Sheo: coldly I detest _hentai_ and _yuri_ and _yaoi_. Do not suggest that idea to me.

Lavi: Oh? And what was 'One On One' and 'Duel Girls' all about?

Sheo: I could say I hate you… but I don't. So, instead, I'll say, 'Let's get on with the story proper now…'

(Very bad sixties special effects. Sheo is still narrating)

Sheo: Anyway, we take a break from all the fighting and Chakra-chanting hair-pulling. This is, after all, supposedly the 'aftermath' of that fight. So, we now see what the girls do when not trying to tear each other's heads off, shall we?

                                                                                *         *         *

(In Earl's dream world, again, he's sitting on his couch in front of his office table. At his side is his loyal uncharismatic bodyguard, Molotov.)

Earl: serious tone Molotov, what is this that I hear about trouble? Is there any problem? Tell me, my loyal uncharismatic flunky.

Molotov: My cold heartless bastard boss, there's a bit of a problem with what readers we have. The Sakura fans want Sakura to win. The Ino fans want Ino to win. The Sasuke fan girls want Sasuke, period. The Sasuke-Gaara and Sasuke-Naruto fans… well, what they want is obvious and better left unsaid.

Earl: To hell with them. This isn't a _yaoi_lemon story.

Molotov: But sir, there are the makings of a _yuri_ pairing in this story.

(Earl glares at Molotov)

Earl: I won't give you your allowance.

Molotov: Sorry, sir. Nothing, sir.

Earl: Good. Now, the two are on break right now, so I'd like them to relax and all. The match last night didn't finish again, no thanks to that freaking guy with the _nori_ eyebrows and the fat dude and the lazy guy who plays with people's shadows, even more with that Naruto punk as well. They jumped in, and then it was DQ (disqualification) time. Damn.

Molotov: We have to reschedule?

Earl: Yes. Get to it, my loyal uncharismatic flunky.

Molotov: Right away, my cold heartless bastard boss. runs outside to get things done

Earl: muses I wonder how Sakura-_chan_ is doing?

(At a rich plush apartment complex, Sakura and Ino are just waking up…)

Sakura: yawning Ah…_ohayou__ gozaimasu_, Ino-_chan_.

Ino: also yawning _Ohayou__ gozaimasu_, Sakura-_chan_.

(Then they realize several things: They're in the same room, on the same bed, in the same disheveled state. They also remembered they sort of hated each other in this story.)

Sakura and Ino: to each other WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

(Earl Osborne pops out from nowhere)

Earl: Hey, girls. Stop that quarrel. You better get dressed. I'm taking you out shopping.

(The mere mention of the word 'shopping' has amazing powers on women.)

Sakura: Oh. Ok, Mr. Osborne. We'll get dressed…if you get of the door.

Earl: _Hai__, wakaremasu, Hime-chan._

Sakura: surprised _Hime_-_chan_?

Ino: more surprised But Sakura-_chan_ isn't a princess…

Earl: My nickname for Sakura-_chan_ is _Hime_-_chan_.

Sakura: But Mr. Osborne, why are you calling me _Hime_-_chan_?

Earl: Because, you Sakura-san…you're like a princess for me, you cute girl! eyes twinkling

Sakura: blushing Mr. Osborne, we can't dress up in front of you. Please, if you excuse us, can you go out of the door?

Earl: Sure, in your honor…_Hime_-_chan_.

Sakura: Just…please. Step out of the door, Mr. Osborne.

Earl: Ok, ok. See you later, _Hime_-_chan_.

Sakura: Bye, Mr. Osborne!

(After Earl left the room)

Ino: Hey, Sakura. I noticed something.

Sakura: What is it, Ino?

Ino: Why didn't you throw Earl out of the room at once?

Sakura: embarrassed _Gomenasai_, Ino. It kind of slipped my mind.

Ino: Ok... Earl's waiting for us in the mall. Hurry up and let's get dressed.

(Earl is waiting outside their room. His wait lasts for thirty minutes… no, one hour… two hours…)

Earl: wearily I forgot how long girls take to get dressed for outings…

(After four hours…)

Earl: thanking heaven to see Sakura and Ino emerge Finally!

Sakura: Sorry if we took so long, Mr. Osborne! Let's go shopping now!

Ino: sneakily Hope you brought lots of dough around. Sakura and I are the champs at shopping back at Konoha.

Earl: laughs No problem! I've got MasterCard and American Express! to himself _I think I'm in trouble… _to the girls Wait, I gotta make a call first!

Sakura and Ino: Okay.

(Earl runs off and uses his cell phone)

Earl: Molotov?

Molotov: Yeah, boss?

Earl: I'm taking the girls out shopping. I need monetary reinforcement, ASAP!

Molotov: Roger, boss. I'll alert the troops to raid Fort Knox. I've also scrambled the hackers to get at Bill Gates and Nelson Rockefeller's accounts, stolen the US Department of Defense appropriation funds, sent Lupin III to get all the diamonds he can from the De Beers headquarters, put up scamming corporations disguised as charitable institutes, and positioned our flunkies to hit First National Bank and the Mint where they print all the paper money in America.

Earl: Better take down that gold mine in South Africa and find Yamashita's lost treasure quickly, too. We'll need all the money we can get.

Molotov: Roger that. I'll send you the money once it gets here.

Earl: Good, good. Now, get things moving. I need to bring _Hime-chan_ to the mall now.

Molotov: very neutrally Begging your pardon, sir, but I think you're starting to obsess over Miss Haruno.

Earl: You noticed? Good. I'll contact you again later.

Molotov: Yes, sir.

                                                                                *         *         *

(In the mall…)

Earl: happy tone Hello, girls. Are you ready to shop?

Sakura: Yay! _Domou__ arigatou gozaimasu_, Mr. Osborne!

Ino: Wow. I think we're going to have fun here, Sakura-_chan__._

Sakura: _Hai__! _Where's the department store?

Earl: points Over there.

(And they shop. But Earl remembered that when girls shop, they _shop_. Meaning, they shop until the mall closes or until they literally drop. But considering that girls have incredible endurance when it comes to shopping, the mall closes first before they even break a sweat…)

Earl: freaked out I never thought I'd see that many shopping bags filled up in just one hour by just two girls… Hey, Molotov! Help me over here!

Molotov: Right away, sir. picks up some bags Um, they're heavy, sir.

Earl: gritting teeth I know…

Sakura: Mr. Osborne! We're going to the next shop!

Ino: Cool! And it's just 11 AM. We've got eleven hours more to shop!

Earl: groans And the battle continues…

(After three hours of shopping…)

Molotov: We must have exhausted all the consumables and merchandise in this part for six months…

Earl: Are you finished?

Sakura: Wait! There's a new store over there, Ino!

Ino: Wow! There's probably an opening sale, too!

Sakura: Let's go!

Earl: in horror Shopping sales: The bane of the male half of humankind…

(After six hours…)

Earl: pleading Can we watch a movie instead?

Sakura: There's a closing sale at Bench! We gotta get there!

Earl: to the ceiling All I'm asking is for a natural disaster to close the mall. Is that too much to ask?

(After nine hours…)

Earl: staggering under the weight of all the shopping bags My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

(Unfortunately, God remains silent on this matter…)

(Near closing time…)

Sakura: Aw, all the stores are closing…

Ino: We'd better get our stuff to the cashier before it closes. totes shopping bags Don't want to waste all the energy we spent today just to lose all of this.

Earl: Thank you, God! _Alleluia!_

(Unfortunately, a crisis develops at the counter…)

Earl: Hey, wait…shock and awe DAMN! I ran short of money! We don't have enough!

Sakura: You mean… all of this was for nothing? begins to cry

Earl: horrified at the thought of Sakura crying Do not worry, _Hime-chan_! I will find a way to solve this!

Cashier: Within the next five minutes, please. My shift is overdue already…

Earl: In times of despair and darkness, there is only one being to turn to!

(Drum roll, please…)

Earl: Sheo Darren!

(A very annoyed Sheo appears)

Sheo: So, you turn to me first before going to Heaven to plead with God? Shameless…

Earl: Sheo! Help me pay off all the things Sakura and Ino bought!

Sheo: First I'm an editor, now I'm a bank? What do you think I am? A jack of all trades?

Jack: I did jump over the candlestick, but I kept off the stock market. Wall Street is murder.

Earl: Get out of here. POWER GEYSER!

(big projectile attack blows away Jack) 

Earl: Sheo, I need your help!

Sheo: tiredly I'm not supposed to be here, idiot. I'm supposed to be lost in a new dimension, my memories lost, surrounded by cute girls and original characters I plan for my original stories, fighting evil schools and corporate sponsors, all to get the girl I love.

Earl: Please! You are an almighty author! To you a million years is just a second! To you a million dollars is just a cent!

Sheo: So?

Earl: Can I have a cent, then?

Sheo: smiles evilly Give me a second.

Earl: Okay… pauses and sweat-drops when he realizes the joke _Hidoi__ desu_…

Sheo: Only girls say that. bored Sheo _tsumanai__._ Why should I help an idiot like you?

Earl: If not for me, do it for the girls!

(Sheo looks over to where Ino is comforting a sad Sakura)

Sakura: whimpering My new clothes…

Ino: Sakura-_chan_, please don't cry! to Sheo _Onegai__!_ I don't want Sakura-_chan_ to be sad, even if we fight over Sasuke-_kun_ every now and then! She's my friend!

Sheo: looks at Sakura Short hair is better for her. sighs as he looks at Elle And she looks exactly like _Z Gundam's_ Elle Vianno, too, save for the bangs. shakes his head I can never say no to _kawaii__ bishoujo…_ Fine, fine. 

(Sheo magnanimously takes out a credit card with unlimited account)

Sheo: Here. Use it. But don't overuse it, okay? I'm stingy with money.

Earl: Yay! We're saved!

Ino: Sakura-_chan_, don't cry anymore! This nice man helped us!

Sakura: Eh? eyes shining in gratitude at Sheo Thank you, thank you very much, sir!

Sheo: shrugs and grins Anything for cute girls…

Earl: unhappy Waah, _Hime-chan_ admires Sheo more than me…

Molotov: Don't worry, boss. I'm sure the worst is over…

Sheo: Don't bet on it. As payment for my services, you guys will let me write the next chapter.

Earl: Uh… okay… of course! Like, you sort of write this entire story anyway as the editor in charge of rewriting.

Sheo: Right. turns to audience Wait for the fourth installment of this story: When Sheo Darren Takes Over! There will be a plot and good humor, unlike the previous chapters.

Earl: Until then, stay on this same story! Review me! Flame me! I am invincible! And fear the Vibrating Sheep of Death!

(shows a toy sheep vibrating noisily in Earl's hand)


	4. Chapter 4: Just wait and see

**Previously on The Sakura Versus Ino Story…**

_              "Hey, Earl," Sheo called as he, Hinata and Temari were leaving._

_"Yeah, boss?"_

_"Back to you."___

_Then they were gone._

_Earl Osborne grinned as he finally got his story back in his hands._

"Tatapusin ko na ito…"

**To Be Concluded (Soon enough…)**

**The Sakura Versus Ino Story: What In The Nine Hells Kind of Freakin' Dream Is This???**

**"Yehey, I have my story back again!": Earl Osborne**

**shrugged noncommittally: Sheo Darren**

**Disclaimer**: By Clangedorn's Twin axes, _Naruto_ is not my property. Also, all ye who seek to plagiarize my original characters (e.g.: Molotov, Richter Hayes, etc.) will pay for there crimes…painfully…HWRARRRR!

**The Ending Chapter: Just wait and See…**

(In Earl's bedroom…)

Earl: howls wildly in joy My story is in my hands again! howls wildly again Better sleep for this. Hey, Sheo!

Sheo: Yeah?

Earl: Swat me. Hard. Really hard.

Sheo: You really want that?

Earl: Yeah.

Sheo: considers I feel like I will regret it, but…

Earl: Ye–

(not letting him finish, Sheo smacks Earl very hard on the head with a blunt object)

Earl: still conscious and in pain _Uuuts__…bery Uuuts. Ouchers…_

Sheo: Hmm... Not hard enough. Let me correct myself…

(Fifteen minutes of Earl-bashing later…)

Sheo: This is harder than I thought.

Earl: Don't make me… suffer anymore, Sheo… just kill me…

Sheo: This time: Work!

(hits Earl with a cute little Piko-Piko hammer)

Earl: before fainting Yeah! faints 

(In Earl's dream world, now named as _Cobold-landia_ for no reason, Earl and other people are in a room with a map on the board)

Earl: Ok, peepz. Here's our plan...

Richter: smokes cigar

Sarah: Hey, ash-man! No smoking.

Richter: Damn.

Rowan: chuckles as he prepares to smoke his cigarette No one makes me stop smoking.

Yura: from off-screen ROWAN-KUN!

Rowan: groans Oh, shit… hides

(a pink-haired girl arrives and seems to be looking for someone)

Yura: Huh? Rowan-kun! Where are you?

Rowan: from his hiding place I'm not here.

Yura: Oh. Ok, I'll look somewhere else. leaves the place

Reig: What a dumb ditz.

Earl: Hey, stop the chit-chat. I have the plans here!

Rowan: Right…

Richter: Great!

Sarah: Wooohooo. waves flag

Artemis: Damn. Stuck again.

Mercy: Zzzzz...

(Earl explains this…secret mission. It's basically taking over the whole Japan.)

Earl: …Ok, that's the objectives. People, arm yourselves and we'll rock the world. Molotov, retrieve _Hime-chan_, Ino, Hinata, that Ninetails guy and Temari.

Molotov: Yes sir.

Earl: Molotov, double time.

Molotov: RIGHT AWAY, SIR!

(In the Hospital, Sakura is sitting beside Hinata in Room 183.)

Hinata: Um…Sakura-san?

Sakura: Yes, Hinata-san?

Hinata: I feel…cold. My arms are…shaking. I thought that Japan was conquered by some Paladin.

Sakura: Hinata, that won't happen. The _jounins_ can take them easily.

Molotov enters the room

Molotov: _Hime-chan_, reporting for duty.

Sakura and Hinata: Hello, Molotov.

Molotov: Your highness, boss has ordered me to retrieve you and Ms. Hyuuga.

Sakura: For what?

Molotov: I can not tell you. The question you're asking is compromising.

Sakura: Huh? Oh, well. I'll come. Do you want to come, Hinata-san?

Hinata: Ok. I'll come with you.

Sakura: Yay.

Molotov: My liege, you must come with me ASAP.

Sakura: Ok. We'll just get Hinata-san the papers to go with us.

Hinata: Looks like… it is starting to happen.

Sakura: Eh? What are you saying, Hinata-san?

Hinata: Nothing.

Molotov: We must proceed.

(Molotov flees ASAP to retrieve the others. At the park…)

Naruto: Ah. The fresh-

(Molotov stomps him on the chest.)

Naruto: ARGH! What was that for?

Molotov: It's for you to get up and get moving.

Naruto: Eh? Why?

Molotov: The commander has said so. We need to go ASAP. Also, help me find Temari.

Naruto: Ok, I'll go. But why do we need to find that creepy sand guy's femme comrade?

Molotov: Do you want Earl to eradicate you? Piece by piece?

Naruto: No….

Molotov: Then, let's go.

(While trying to find where the hell Temari is…)

Molotov: Damn it. Where is she?

Naruto: Why are you asking me? I don't know where she is!

Molotov: Oh whatever. sees Temari Over there!

Naruto: At last! For about 3 hours of running straight!

(After 1 hour of persuading…)

Molotov: Argh! Please! Just come with us!

Temari: No, no and no.

Naruto: Damn it! PLEASE!!!!!!

Temari: Never.

(Molotov does the droopy puppy dog begging eyes no girl can resist)

Temari: curses Damn droopy puppy eyes no girl can resist. I'll go.

Molotov: Yay!

Naruto: Lots to go.

(Molotov returns to HQ.)

Molotov: Sir, I have retrieved all the objectives.

Earl: Good, Molotov. Good. Now, to strike. Soujira-san, assemble all.

Soujira: Yes sir.

(At the assembly quadrangle)

Earl: All men and women of The United Special Defense Force. It is time to cleanse the Land of the Rising Sun from all whoop-asses, dumb-asses, prostitution, and all crime! My men! Stand together and rise to cleanse Japan!

Molotov: Arise! Arise! My fellow USDF officers! The time has come to march and fight! And what does crime deserve?

All USDF Soldiers: Death! Death!

Molotov: And death shall be ours!

(All USDF Soldiers cheer the battlecry)

Sarah: Oh, dear. Here we go.

Reig: I stand ready.

Sarah: Stop that.

Rowan: smokes

Richter: smokes

Artemis: smokes

Mercy: smokes

Sarah: looks at them Crazy.

(Scene cuts to show a very disapproving Sheo Darren)

Sheo: I had nothing to do with writing this stupid chapter. I just edit it. This is even stupider than the Philippine elections.

(Scene returns to Earl who remembers someone)

Earl: Damn! I forgot about Ayane-san!

(Ayane-san= Ayane Isuzu/Ayane Ukiya of Gatekeepers 21)

Molotov: Sir, we need to retrieve Miss Isuzu– err, I mean, we must save Miss Ukiya from danger!

Earl: I'll go. I'm responsible for her.

Molotov: I'll come also, sir.

Earl: You're such a faithful bodyguard.

Molotov: Thank you sir.

Earl: Then, let us flee.

(At Ayane's apartment, for Earl bought her one…)

Ayane: Zzzzz…. sleeping

(Earl and Molotov crashes in. Ayane was surprised– and reacted very reflexively and defensively by summoning her Gate of Gales. That was an "Ouch" for the two.)

Earl: Ow. That hurts. Ayane-san?

Ayane: _Onii__-san_? _Daijobu_? And why are you here? (Reason: Earl changed her attitude in "A Hound's Flight" that you could find in _FictionPress_ about 1 to 3 months from now. Also, Earl stands as her Big brother and Guardian now a day)

Earl: I'm ok. Ow, that hurts a lot. And also, I'm here to rescue you.

Ayane: From what? _Onii__-san_?

Earl: From destruction. Now, come along. I don't want you dead.

Ayane: Right away. I'll just get my cell phones and laptop.

Earl: Ok, just get it and leave.

(Ayane gets her cell phones and her laptop, and runs off with Earl and Molotov)

(In USDF HQ…)

Ayane: walks in I didn't know that you were the High Commander of USDF?

Earl: I can't tell you. It's because-

(Rowan enters "The Hall")

Rowan: Mr. Osborne, greetings.

Ayane: surprised What? An Invader? I thought I've killed them all off!

Earl: Don't worry. He's no Invader. He is Guerrero De Dios, A.k.a. Rowan Ghreene. He's the all-time famous Soldier/Warrior of God.

Ayane: Oh, him. Last time, a person who looks like him accidentally peeped on me while I'm in the shower.

Earl: RICHTER!

Sarah: Now I know the reason why you "Re-Spawned" last time.

Richter: Whatever.

Ayane: gasps and points at Richter It's him! That perverted bastard!

Earl: You…are sooooooooo dead.

Richter: Ayeep. Vanishes

(While things are trying to be sorted out inside The Hall, Sakura and Ino are looking at the sky outside the HQ.)

Sakura: Ino-_san_…

Ino: _Nani_?

Sakura: Whenever I'm with you, I feel something very deep inside.

Ino: What do you mean?

Sakura: That whenever we fight or whenever we are together, I feel something different.

Ino: Eh? I can't understand you. Please clear it out for me.

Sakura: That I like you.

(Unfortunately, the audience freaks out)

Camera Man: Security!

Guard: Right away!

Tommy Vercetti: You're going down!

(Explosion can be seen from the sky)

Ino: Don't worry, Sakura-_san._

Sakura: _Nani_?

Ino: Because, I like you too.

(Riot can be heard from the crowd)

Camera Man: Riot! Riot!

Director: Call the cops!

Guard: Boss! The cops are already dead!

(We can see that Tommy Vercetti of GTA doesn't like cops)

(Scene returns to The Hall)

Ayane: _Onii__-san_, you don't need to do that to Richter.

Earl: It's for your protection, Ayane-_san._ At least I avenged you also from that bastard named Shun.

Ayane: _Onii__-san_, I don't want that name to be heard.

Earl: _Gomenasai_, Ayane_-san_.

Richter: in horror the pain…the horror…Atrash…_indi__ kita_..._iiwan_…

Sarah: Stop that, Richter.

Mercy: Zzzz…

Vibrating Sheep Of Doom: Brrrrrrrr…

Cobolds: Arf! Does Russian kick dance

Ayane: _Kawaii__…_I want one of those.

Earl: grows a big question mark on his head a la Honda's _Asimo_

(Sakura and Ino enter The Hall with there hands holding each other)

Molotov: I gotta bad feeling about this, sir.

Earl: BY STALIN'S NAME! WHAT IS **THIS** MOCKERY?! ARE MY EYES DECIEVING?! ARE THEY HOLDING HANDS?!

Ayane: _Nanidesuka_, _Onii__-san_?

Earl: AVERT THY EYES, AYANE-SAN! AVERT! Covers Ayane's eyes

Ayane: _Onii__-san_, I can't see.

Earl: It is needed! Why? Why have you done this to us? For about 3 months of writing this story, then you do THIS?

Sakura: _Gomene_, but I like Ino-_san_.

(Earl faints in horror and pain)

Ayane: _Onii__-san_! _Onii__-san_! Wake up!

Earl: eyes are white

Rowan: What is this? A victim of Sadako?

Sarah: Oi, want me to wipe your face to the wall?

Rowan: Would I approve? Never.

(Then a Cobold drops in for the last time)

Cobold: Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! (Translation: "Cobold Warfare!". It's because every "Arf!" translates to one syllable.)

Earl: My most powerful weapons have been unleashed. Charge my minions! Cleanse this land!

Cobold: ARF! (Translation: Charge!)

Sarah: Ayane, Sakura, Ino, Richter, duck.

Rowan: Phases. Weird, eh?

Molotov: digs a "dog-hole"

Soujira: Eeep! hides

(A sea of _Ragnarok_ _Online_ Cobolds swarm Japan like ants swarming a piece of hotdog on the ground. A very unpleasant seen, to be described. After the swarm ended, Ghosts from _Ghost Recon_ came in to check the area. The platoon leader, Lieutenant Jacobs, saw a very familiar person under the rubbles.)

Ghost Jacobs: Ramirez, check that out.

Ghost Ramirez: Why me?

Ghost Jacobs: 'Coz the platoon leader says so.

Ghost Ramirez: Whatever.

(Ramirez checks out the rubbles. In his surprise, Ramirez was stunned. Why? Because Ramirez saw Neji Hyuuga)

Ghost Ramirez: What?! Still alive?! Fires at Neji with M-S _Socom_ SD

Ghost D'agostino: Damn. He's tough. Sees Ramirez flying to the sky

Ghost Jacobs: in neutral tone Open fire.

(The platoon fired at Neji. It was horrible seen. Neji's body was nearly shredded by the bullets of .70 Caliber High-powered M-22 Spearheads and a .60 Caliber Squad-Automatic M-S _Socom_ SD. Note: M-22 Spearhead is an invented weapon)

Ghost Jacobs: Damn, you're right. He is tough.

Ghost Stone: But now, he's half-dead. Damn, I'll modify this M-22. It's too shaky.

Ghost Jacobs: Of course, it's a .70 Caliber High-powered assault rifle and you fired it in full-burst mode. How can't it be shaky?

Ghost Stone: Whatever, LT.

Ghost Jacobs: contacts Earl Stone Wall, this is Wraith Platoon. Area is nearly cleansed. We just saw Neji. But now, he's nearly shredded. Thanks to our M-22 and the lone M-S _Socom_ SD.

Earl: Damn, I thought Sheo flayed him alive. Ends conversation Ayane-_san_, you can come out now.

Ayane: _Onii__-san_, _Daijobu_?

Earl: I'm alright, Ayane_-san_. I'm alright. Where's _hime-chan_?

Ayane: Right there, _Onii__-san_.

Earl: _Arigatou_, Ayane_-san_. _Arigatou_. calls Sakura Hey, _hime-chan_. Coast is clear.

Sakura: I thought Ino-_san_ and I were cooked.

Earl: So this story of mine ends like this: Sakura and…ehem…is the…pair? And Ayane-_san_ is my "Little Sister", another character named Soujira is in the force and my supreme pets have won. I am really invincible.

Ayane: _Onii__-san_, why are you talking to yourself?

Earl: It's nothing, Ayane_-san_. It's nothing.

(Earl wakes up from sleep)

Earl: A good story has ended. Ah, at last. Ayane_-san_, _Ohayou_.

Ayane: _Ohayou__, Onii-san._

Earl: Life is so good.

_Ang__ katapusan…_

**Earl's Creepy Thoughts:**

              Ah, at last. My very first story has ended. I got more months to do _A Hound's Tale_. See you soon! May Lone Wolf SIX Live Forever! I am Invincible! Ayane Isuzu and Sakura Haruno are irresistibly cute!

**Sheo**** Darren's last comments:**

To quote Ruri Hoshino from _Nadesico_: "_Baka__ desu."_


End file.
